Why oh why…A Dog’s Opinion

     Sam here. There seems to be a lot of moaning and whining about dog behaviors from their human’s point of view lately. Well I thought I should defend  my canine brothers and sisters and give our side of the behavior that you find so grievous.

• First, why is it a problem for me to lay in freshly spread mulch in the garden and get it all over my hair? You know I need some cushioning to sleep in the garden supervise your work lest you miss something. I know you’ll brush it off me before we go in the house.
• And why don’t you want me in your lap when it’s 95 degrees out and I’m panting my head off? I just want to be with you as close as possible. Why don’t you get that? Surely you can cool me off when I’m on top of you, right?
• If you’re doing yoga and I come by and give you an ear lick or stick my nose in your face when you’re doing downward facing dog, how come you collapse laughing hysterically? I’m just checking on you since you’re breathing so deeply loud.
• I don’t see a problem with drinking water and walking across the room with my mouth halfway open dripping that water all over. I love you and want to show you at that moment. The dripping water is just a coincidental thing, ok?
• Why do you yell, hop around on one foot and say bad words in the middle of the night when you step on one of my antlers? Doesn’t it make more sense to turn on a light then move those antlers from the spot where I left them? Or just stay in bed and cuddle with me?
• Nose prints on the glass front door is not my way to making you do extra work, it’s me showing you how talented I am. Like snowflakes, you should remember that no two nose prints are the same. I do that on purpose because I’m so cultured and clever. You’re welcome.
• I must be close to you at all times, particularly when you need a private moment to take care of bodily functions in the bathroom. That door between us breaks my heart because I hate obstacles keeping us from each other. Besides, you need me to keep your knees warm. Why are you in there anyway…there’s running water in there. Yikes.
• Why are you so obsessed with me being clean? A little dirt never hurt anyone. There’s no need to vacuum all the grass and sand I track in every single week. You need to stop being so OCD about clean floors.
• Why can’t you control that chirping sound from that thing in the ceiling? Isn’t there a remote control for that like the TV? I can’t bear that sound and waiting for you to drag out a step-ladder to replace the battery only wigs me out waiting.
• On those occasions when I actually am allowed to sleep on the bed, I only take up a lot of space and the pillow because I’m not sure if or when you’ll let me do it again. Remember the closeness thing I mentioned above? Same thing here too.
• I especially appreciate it when you’re bending over trying to put on shoes. That why I give you lots of dog kisses, wag my tails so much and weave in and out between you legs. It’s not because I’m deliberately trying to make you fall over-I just want to express my love for you. Is that so hard to understand?
• It’s super important for me to jump around like a pogo stick and on you when you come home. I’m deliriously happy, I mean, what if someone snatched you and I was left all alone?  Who’d feed me? Ok, so you were only taking the trash out? And sure it’s only 25 feet away and you were gone only 27 seconds but it’s possible someone could. kidnap. you. I don’t understand this whole time concept thing anyway.
• I don’t understand why walking outside the yard is not acceptable. You wig out because I’m on a great scent trail like it’s some big deal with me wandering half a block away. Chill out, mom-it’s a just a raccoon or fox I’m hunting.
• Why can’t I sniff to my heart’s content when we go on our walks in the morning. I’m only reading pee-mail and catching up with all my BFF’s. I can’t help it you woke up late and are now making me rush before you abandon me go to work.
• Why must we walk in the rain? You know I hate water, even puddles on the sidewalk, besides it makes my hair kink up. I’m not as handsome then and feel self-conscious. Please, please don’t make me walk in the rain; the only thing it makes me want to do is shake it off…once we get back into the nice dry house.
• I absolutely know the mail lady is a serial murderer and must protect you with the loudest and most vicious barking possible. Once you open the door and I see who it is, you get handed a pile of junk mail and bills and I get the ear scratch. What’s wrong with that?
• And finally, you always make a big deal out of me sneaking coming up behind you when you’re in the kitchen and turn around and trip over me. I can’t help it you don’t have super hearing like I do. Besides, I think all rustling of plastic means I will get a bite of cheese. I’m only there for your companionship but also for the cheese. I am Ninja dog.

So there you have a few of the things I’ve heard you and your fellow humans complain about. What other beefs do you guys have that I may have missed? I’m sure mom will have more to add to this list after she reads it.

Live, love, bark! <3