Sam’s 2015 Resolutions

Sam and I did a lot of reflecting over the New Year’s weekend and we discussed some of his recent behavior of late and the need for, let’s just call them ‘adjustments’ with certain ones. Here’s the list of items he has agreed to work on this year. Some of these are probably impossible to hope for, but you know the saying: hope springs eternal.

  • I will stop trying to find the few clean area rugs in the house when I am about to throw up.
  • I will not eat my own vomit.
  • I will not roll on dead birds & squirrels or geese poop, etc. at the park.
  • I will not lick my upright’s face after eating goose poop.
  • I will not dig food bits or egg shells out of the compost bins.
  • I will not leave my elk antlers strewn over the living or dining room floors. [I’ve nearly gone lame stepping on the little one in the middle of the night!]
  • I will try not to hog the entire bed/sofa and ‘burrito’ the blankets around Mom so she can’t move or turn over. [if he can do this even just a few times this year, I’d be happy] 😉
  • I will not chew crayons, pens or markers, especially the red ones so my upright doesn’t think I’m hemorrhaging.
  • I will not try to stealth or push my way into the passenger front seat so I can lay my head/body across the gear shift into her lap for moral support.
  • Likewise, I will stop fogging up all the side windows with my anxious breath in the car.
  • I will not drop kibbles stuck to my face in Mom’s underwear when she is sitting on the toilet. [also see rule about face towels/napkins below]
  • I will not play tug-o-war with Mom’s underwear or pants when she is on the toilet.
  • I will not bark each and every time I hear a doorbell on TV.
  • I will not sniff at taller dogs while they are peeing.
  • The sofa is not a face towel or napkin, neither is Mom’s leg or lap. [this one might make it to the middle of February…if I’m super lucky] 🙁
  • My head does not belong in the frig or freezer.
  • I will not bark or growl at a police officer when he reaches for Mom’s driver’s license and registration.
  • I do not need to suddenly stand up straight when I’m lying under a dining room chair.
  • I will not go racing through the French doors at Grandma’s house when they are closed. [I think he’s still recovering from a concussion received over Christmas]
  • I will not roll my elk antlers underneath the media center and whine and pace back and forth when I can’t reach them.
  • The mail lady is not trying to steal our stuff-she pets you and gives good ear scratches and loves you.
  • I must shake all rainwater or snow off my fur BEFORE entering the house and finally…
  • I will not chew, eat or disembowel any leather accessory I just ‘happen’ to come across on beds or tables. [just to be clear, I am especially resolved to keep those items at eye level–my eye level that is and completely out of his reach!]

Did you make any resolutions for 2015? Anything you’re hoping to change in either you or your dog’s behavior? Now if only I can reduce the number of the dozens and dozens of post edits, then all will be good. 🙂

Live, love, bark <3

Sleeping dogs cause no problems
Sleeping dogs cause no problems

18 thoughts on “Sam’s 2015 Resolutions

  1. I am in a similar spot to Sam. There are times when you have the luxury of either making or ignoring your own foibles on NYE but you really need to pay attention when resolutions come to you. This is the wake up now and smell the roses or something bad is going to happen. I heard about people having one word for the new year, instead of making a lot of resolutions. My word is love. That is not as easy as it looks. I wrote about it here:
    I have a few serious health issues so I am having to exercise more, eat healthy and lose weight. Just to complicate things, my daughter is quite underweight and she’s just discovered bacon and is finally eating something. No good for my waistline though.

  2. My lot take returning to their vomit as a sort of Biblical commandment…..but they don’t carry Biblical references too far: if required to eat Jezebel they might require her to have been pieced up, marinaded and grilled..

  3. Oh my, these made me laugh out loud! Especially the bathroom ones! I would just like some peaceful bathroom time this year. THAT would be a nice one! Have a great day!!

  4. I love all of these and each is relatable. Eugene is a snuggler, but he doesn’t give me a chance to get the covers fully on me before he snuggles up against me, so the blankets get caught under him, and don’t fully cover me. Sigh. Somehow it’s worth it. Love our BEEBERS.

  5. I don’t know about these. In the aggregate they are clearly a bridge too far for poor Sam. Even taken individually there are some impossibly high hurdles. Imagine not being able to eat one’s own vomit! That…that…that is a very silly prohibition and furthermore, reclaiming lost treats from under furniture is part of your job description, check Sam’s canine contract, it’s in there. A reasonable settlement is to keep the kibble out of the underwear and the fashion accessories out of the mouth. Beyond that…good luck.

    Otherwise, a very funny and all too real post about these strange creatures that cohabit with us.

    1. Remember I work for lawyers, so I know all about those ‘contract thingys’ and Sam is on the short end of that stick. These resolutions are impossibly high because my 4-legged BFF is a loveable dimwit. I would like the no burrito thing though, freaks me out when I wake up and can’t move. Feel like I’m in a spider web cocoon.

  6. that are good resolutions… seems your mom has to get a convertible to avoid the foggy car windows :o) you got a yellow shower while sniffing on a taller dog? how about an umbrella-hat?
    we made no resolutions, just to stay fit to run away if the next blizzard full of bad things comes down on our heads :o)

Feel free to bark your thoughts...but no growling please.

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