Category Archives: Holy &#@%

Monday Moanings

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[An open letter to the dogs on a Monday from a questioning huMom]

Dear Canoids,

Is it just because you’re ‘canoids‘ or because you’re too smart for your own good poodle selves that makes you do things in a contrary way designed to negatively impact the Ranch upright?

“W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R more are talking about?” said two innocent-looking faces. Umm, how about Exhibits A and B. We received about 6-9 inches of snow. In our mountain desert (aka Denver) snowfall is always calculated in a range of inches. Why? It’s called wind. Not the Wizard of Oz kind, but definitely the kind that can impact the measurement of snow. And in keeping with those ‘flexible’ numbers, you guys seem to take matters in your own paws. As in where you like to poop…you know in the deepest possible snow. Oh…and as far away from the sidewalk as possible. Usually just a few inches past the leash length which requires hiking out to the ‘dumping’ grounds. Snow in that mound is nearly always double in-depth and often the most desirable location for the 4-pawed tribe. Note previous tracks checking it out by the Ranch crew.

EXHIBIT A ~ Apart from the depth, this spot would have actually worked compared to Exhibit B.

But no, that wasn’t good enough for my sweet dogs who manage to take it to a ‘nother level, aka Exhibit B. They seem to assume there are extra points for doing it in places that are next to impossibly difficult for an upright to get in and responsibly clean up after. Seriously, Elsa…do you really have to go into the area where there are the lowest possible hanging limbs or shrub rose branches to stab me in the head and/or legs? Trust me when I say there. are. no. extra. points!! Demerit points, yes.

Exhibit B ~ Otherwise known as the bestest dumping ground.

Do I look like a 3-foot tall Hobbit who wears armadillo like armor?! Don’t answer that.

And what’s with this thing about ALWAYS having to scamper around behind my back after I’ve picked up after you, crossing the streams a la Ghostbusters style twisting the leashes, stretching the bum shoulder and providing way too many close calls at toppling the not-as-flexible as Gumby upright as she extracts herself from the dwarf forest? Do you know how hard it is to keep the leashes untangled in gloves with hands that are freezing, trying to hold on to some semblance of order, all the while juggling a poop bag whose smell could raise the dead that needs to be off loaded in a trash bin ASAP? Seriously, you never seem to have a problem with crossing in FRONT of me inside the house. WTH?!

Signed,
Your loving huMom

Do your guys go ‘contrarian’ on you when it comes to conducting their number 2 business?

Live, love, bark❣

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday ~ February 21, 2018

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It’s Wednesday and while Sam and I head off to West Pines today, there’s lot’s happening in the Olympics and some of it is going to the dogs. Canadian’s figure skater Meagan Duhamel  rescued a dog from a Korean meat farm last year. Ms. Duhamel, a vegan since 2008, along with and her figure skating coach husband, rescued a second pup. The South Korean government even ordered restaurants close to the Olympic Stadium in Pyeongchang to stop serving dog meat.

Meagan Duhamel poses with her dog Moo-tae, in South Korea. (EK Park/Free Korean Dogs via AP)

Sam thinks the IOC should add synchronized peeing to the games. He would no doubt be disqualified and have to compete in the “olympic athlete competing for dogs’ (OAD) category and not as part of any country team.

Whether you’re watching and rooting for a particular country, I think we all root for Snoopy. He’ll always earn the gold in my heart. What’s been your favorite Pyeongchang moment?

Live, love, bark❣

Freaky Friday

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Put fur coats on these two and it’d be Elsa and Sam all the way.

Much like the movie Freaky Friday it seems we’ve had an epic switcheroo around the Ranch. I mean when you see a post that shows a certain level of destruction, you kind of automatically think, “oh jeez, Elsa, what did you do this time,” right? Well, unlike the movie, no fortune cookies produced this furable switch. I can only surmised it may have had something to do with a touch of jealousy. You may recall Wednesday was supposed to be a bath and groom for the Ninja. It’s been one of those jam-packed weeks with something scheduled every day. I seem to have caught some sinus bug or something and have been suffering from a 4-day long headache which has robbed me of much-needed sleep to help feel better. Any who…I got going early with walks, breakfast, etc. so I could give Elsa her bath and clean up the Muppet look when, half way started, the phone starts squawking that we need to be at the vet’s to recheck Elsa’s blood levels (since we reduced her Phenobarb dosage recently we need to know if it’s going to keep her seizure free). AWK!!! I thought that was set for the next day. Ugh.

Better make it snappy, mom!

Are you kidding me? I’m not ready or cleaned up for going out of the house so like any insane person, I shift into hyper-drive, race around like a maniac and fly out of the house with Elsa in tow in record time. Bless her heart, she was up for the adventure, popped right into the car and behaved like a real champ at the vets. She didn’t react to any of the large dogs waiting to be seen and even got on the scale to be weighed without any freaking out (OMD!) or special cajoling. Amazingly, we were on time, too.

Whew, so far so good, right? So the vet tech takes her in the back, draws the blood and talks with the vet who says “um, we really need the draw as late in the day as possible to accurately gauge the Phenobarb levels, any chance they could come back again at 6 PM?” The tech brings Elsa back to me with the ‘good’ news. O-kay, yeah sure (calculating in my mind how long it will take to finish grooming, bathing, drying) . So we leave, head home and start back picking up where I left off. Elsa has a thick coat and her hair was pretty long so it took a while and it was hard bending over with the sinus headache. We finished up late in the afternoon, Elsa looked semi-presentable ok and I realized she’s one good-looking dog with that luxurious shiny black coat. I, on the other hand, looked a fright, the house had dog hair EVERYWHERE so I pop in the tub and proceeded to clean-up the bathroom which was totally trashed. She’s exhausted, I’m exhausted and we still need to go back to the vet for Round 2. During the height of rush hour.

About this time, that squawking alert on my phone goes off again. Wait, what…it’s too soon to leave for the vet, what the heck is it? Turns out I was supposed to go to a book signing on the other side of town to meet a local author. Oh man, are you kidding? By this time, I know there’s no way I can make it; so I hunt through my inbox to send a note of apology that I wouldn’t be able to attend (so bummed). The Ninja is looking at me like I’ve lost it when I glance over and see my fleece jacket on the floor with Sam hovering over it. When I go to pick it up, I realized he has chewed holes in the pocket to extricate all the treats I normally carry on walks. Who’d have thought the innocent, well-behaved Sam would have gone postal on a jacket? Could have blown me away at that thought.

He looked up at with that goofy look he so proudly wears (otherwise known as his face), tail wagging and looking like “well, you have been kind of neglectful of moi, today.” Never would I have expected him to pull something like this. Elsa, oh hell yes. But Sam, never. Talk about a Freaky Friday…I just hope they don’t continue their Lindsay Lohan/Jamie Lee Curtis switching of roles. I swear, those two are better than a Netflix comedy.

The weekend is nearly here and if you’re like me, you can’t wait. Any plans? I am hoping to sleep the whole time.

Live, love, bark! ❤︎ 

Monday Mutts

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Image courtesy of Pinterest because mom’s not fast enough

Well it finally happened. Hiya. Elsa here.  It should have happened weeks ago but finally and thankfully…Denver is under a Winter Storm Warning for snow, ice, high winds, and low visibility with blizzard conditions for the eastern plains. Can I get an Amen, brother!? Speaking of brothers, Sam wasn’t that keen about going out to potty in this white stuff and I confess, I too had some reservations initially. But Mother Nature (and snow zoomies) called, so who am I to refuse that pressure?

Denver is experiencing one of the driest winters ever as are the various ski areas in the state. Statewide snowpack was 58% of normal. That’s scary if you are a ski resort, people! That graphic pretty much says it all. Even Hawaii experienced a blizzard before Christmas last month with Mauna Kea and Mauna Loa receiving up to two feet of snow.

Courtesy of the Mauna Kea Observatory

Mom said some of you have already experienced some major snow and cold lately but this is rather new this season (unless you count those few days in December when it was bitter cold but with no snow). Mostly we’ve been experiencing breaking days with many perennials still blooming in December. What the dog?!

How was your weekend weather? Anything exciting happening out there while we’re snuggling up on the sofa?

Live, love, bark! ❤︎

Monday Musings ~ December 18, 2017

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Don’t know about you, but with Christmas a mere week away {gasp}, this meme kind of sums it up for me. Are you ready? Enjoy the week as you wrap up all your preparations for the jolly guy.

Live, love, bark! ❤︎

Treat Tuesday

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After a recent training class I took to help with Elsa’s meet and greet issues with little dogs, I’ve started carrying around high value treats in the pockets of all my jackets. Elsa really loves the dehydrated lung treats and really focuses on me when cued. Lately I’ve been seeing these long stringy drool bombs (ick-gag). The first time I laughed out loud thinking how funny it was. Now I’m starting to wonder what the…?? So much for ‘girls being all girly and dainty,’ eh? She didn’t seem to mind having this hanging down since she was insanely focused zeroed in on a squirrel across the street.

Do your dogs drool at the thought of high value treats?

Live, love, bark! ❤︎

In Memoriam

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Mouse, Mortimer J.  2014 – 2017    A spunky, urban brownish-grey mouse residing in the garden at the Ranch, “Mortie” recently passed peacefully. As a frequent and swift-moving critter in the Poodles’ garden, he took up permanent residence in the compost bins. Internment services honoring his short life were held on a recent sunny autumn day. Mortie enjoyed scaring the crap outa everyone when dashing about and crocheting nest tunnels from grass clippings in the bins. He provided much entertainment for Ranch residents.
Contributions may be made to the Denver Dumb Friends League.

We’ve had a garden mouse for the past few years that I named “Mortimer” after the first time I saw his speedy retreat into the flowers and who I enjoyed seeing whenever he would show up thereafter. Mortie was a tiny, brownish-grey little guy who was quick as a wink, even by mouse standards. Convinced he had been some Olympian competing in the mouse 40-yard dash with beady little eyes, adorably whiskers and tiny little toes, he wormed his way into my heart after dashing into the tall flowers when I wandered into the garden, not to be seen again. Well, that is, until the next time.

For the past year or so, it seemed Mortie moved up from tall flowers and ground cover to luxuriously nesting and noshing in our 3 compost bins, enjoying strawberry hulls and other bio-scraps. Elsa would make a beeline toward the compost bins first before making her way to the potty area of the dog run and I always thought she was checking for squirrels since they have been known to hit the bin too. But since the bins had been sort of squirrel-proofed recently, it’d just been Mortie enjoying morsels. Truth be told I didn’t mind, he was adorably tiny and, come on…you gotta admit pretty cotton-picking cute and I figured he was more than fast enough to elude the Ninja. The little fella reminded me of a European character known as “Uli Maus” created by German cartoonist, Uli Stein. When a dear friend’s dad introduced me to Uli years ago, I knew I had to bring one back as a souvenir of that special trip so I found a pocket-sized version that always makes me smile. See the similarity?

Come on…he’s adorably cute, isn’t he?

When Elsa catches the scent of a critter-trail around the neighborhood she repeatedly investigates that same spot over and over even if they haven’t been there in ages, convinced they were once there and will probably be again. Recently her attention has focused on one bin in particular where I had heard Mortie scurrying around on occasion. Elsa seemed to think she knew where he was too and would often chase ‘mouse shadows’ especially at night. The other day she came back in the house with something in her mouth.  When I told her to ‘drop it’ because gawd only knows what she’d eat, lo and behold, a tiny little fur ball with a long tail was promptly spit out. Holy &#@%…are you kidding me? Grateful for her compliance, I quickly scooped up the tiny lifeless body and carried him out to a permanent resting place. I doubt she was responsible especially since a few days later when I was ‘feeding’ the mouse buffet compost bin, I saw yet another casualty. No telling what caused the passing of either of these two little guys since no autopsy was performed. Perhaps they were older but it still made me just a little sad. No more skittering flashes out of the corner of my eye with just an inkling of a tail diving into cover. Unless there are other family members left behind for which I’ll be on the alert, because…well you know…survivors benefits. Elsa will not be in attendance at the reading of the will.

Mortimer J. Mouse’s BFF

Seriously, does this look like the face of a garden exterminator? Yeah, I don’t think so either. Mostly.

Innocent face or ruthless exterminator?

At any rate, let’s pause for a few moments of silence to honor the Uli look-alikes, Mortimer J. Mouse and his unnamed BFF. I hardly knew either of you but hope you lived happy lives in the compost bin. At least it was organic nibbles. Rest in peace little buddies.

Live, love, bark! ❤︎