Manic Monday

Elsa here. Hope you all at least had a good weekend. I was subjected to hideous torture and abuse. No, my mom didn’t punish me for eating another brand new sock, no it was much worse than that. Let me explain.

Mom took me for a ride. Normally that’d be a good thing because I like car rides, but I was all alone. The numskull brother didn’t get in the car with me. What’s up with that? Should have known something was up by taking a head count. So after 87 minutes of driving we arrived at a somewhat familiar parking lot. “Hmm, I think I’ve been here,” I thought. We got out of the car and started to go for a walk around the various stores. It was sprinkling a tiny bit but it felt good; for a change, the sun wasn’t beating down on my overly long black fur coat.

After a nice walk, we walked into the pet store where Rebecca greeted us. Uh-oh. Oh yeah, now I remembered this place. This is the fur-stealing store!!! Rebecca was nice but I was nervous. She’s always patient and gentle with me and lets my mom stay in case I have a seizure so she can work on making the nasty Epi-monster go away quickly. We went into the Chamber of Horrors Secrets and she got me up on the rack grooming table all primed to torture me. This recent photo doesn’t really show how bushy and long my fur coat was. Notice the panic panting tongue? Yeah, I’m stressed. I mean, wouldn’t you be. I’m standing there being a good girl while a fur theft was going on and my mom was helping commit the crime!!!  Mom forgot to take a good pic showing off my luxurious fur coat of the muppet fur, here’s one from the beginning of June before taking me on the ride to hell.

 

This is a few minutes into the theft.

Notice the ‘I’m not the slightest bit amused and almost pleading look I gave my mom. Believe it or not, she ignored me. The nerve! Kept saying some load of crap about ‘how good I was’ and ‘how pretty I was.’ Bah…I was being robbed and tortured right before her eyes and she’s blathering on about pretty? WTH?! So clearly pleading eyes didn’t seem to affect her cold, hollow heart, so then I decided to ignore her. She gets freaked out if I’m not fussing and fawning over her all the time. Then I moved to Plan B – playing hard to get. But alas, all she and Rebecca did was drag me over to the waterboarding area where the torture continued.

I still can’t fathom why she allows all this obscene torture. What kind of mother does that anyway, huh? Haven’t a been a good girl? Ok, so I ate a few socks and chewed up a few pairs of reading glasses along the way. Don’t we all? Normally you’d think uprights weren’t so vindictive, but apparently that’s not the case with my mom. I had to quickly move on to Plan C.

 

Switching strategies, I went into full on ‘poor, pitiful me’ looks. Clearly my charm and ‘je ne sais quoi’ qualities didn’t matter one bit. If waterboarding wasn’t bad enough, there was that terrible hideous machine that sounded like an airplane was taking off. I nearly lost all the remaining furs on my body I was so scared!

My terrified expressions didn’t seem to matter so this girl had to resort to more devious action. I thought I’ll just move to the back side of the torture tub where she can’t reach me with that foul hair dryer. Just like I do at home. Heh, heh.

Alas, foiled again. Guess I forgot about long cords, though given half a chance next time…maybe we can add that to the list of things I’ve munched in the past. Just kidding, mom. Sort of.

After two hours of torture and still not completely dry, Rebecca released me into my mother’s custody where she whisked me back to safety. I remember exiting the grooming shop with a “Best in Show” prance and my head and tail held high, never looking back at the people who ogled over me while mom paid for the torture grooming session. Seriously, you uprights pay real money to torture us?

When I bounced out of the car once we arrived home, I rushed in to share my tale of woe to the useless brother who is supposed to protect me. I distinctly heard him chortle as he rushed past me to greet mom, not even bothering to get the details of my ordeal. Just wait until next month when he goes to hospital. I’ll be first to “nah, nah, nah, nah, nah” him. It will serve him right too…couldn’t happen to a dumber doofus.

Now this is the face of a happy dog! Much like Martin Luther King, I howled, “Free at last, free at last, thank gawd almighty, I’m free at last.” I’m still a tad soggy here but with about 87 pounds less fur according to mom and Rebecca. They said something about making sweaters from all my fur. Pfft…you’d be so lucky.

My only question now is…what time is dinner? How do you cope with extreme ‘pawrental’ torture?

Live, love, bark! ❤︎

 

61 thoughts on “Manic Monday

  1. Nylabluesmum

    Mee-you Elsa that iss sum story of torture…thee Hu’manss have odd ideas about groomin us don’t they??? **scratchess head**
    Fankfullee mee not need bathin or blow dryin butt mee clawss are like eagle talonss….LadyMum has to wrestle with mee to clppy mee clawss! Shee waitss til mee iss asleep an tries to clip as many as pawssibull. If mee not want her to do more; mee just takess her hand inn mee teeth….
    Shee says mee iss pawssive; aggrrressive…..mew mew mew…
    Hope you reecovurred frum thee oar-deel mee furend!
    **nose kissesss** Siddhartha Henry xXx

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      1. Nylabluesmum

        You know Sam sumtimess Hu’manss have to do fingss they not like either…
        So wee all has fingss wee not like to do….an yur rite that thee 🙂 ‘ss an {{hugsss}} you receive are toe-tallee werth thee effort!! 😉

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  2. camparigirl

    Please tell Elsa she is not alone – I am draining a cyst from Ottie’s head tonight (I got tired of paying the vet for sticking a needle in for a few seconds and pulling up some liquid every six months – I will report back…)

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  3. Miss Harper Lee

    Just between you and me, Elsa, I think your mom was getting back at your for that little croissant-eating incident. The uprights have a tendency to be a bit vindictive, especially when it comes to their food. If it’s any consolation, you do look mahvelous and it will probably be at least a little while before you have to go through the torture again . . . provided you stay away from those croissants. 😉

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  4. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat

    “Dumber doofus” Yep. Rolling on the floor laughing at that one! I bet you feel better, Elsa, even if you won’t admit it – all the fur weighs a puppy down, especially in summer. Think of it as your Mom giving you the ability to move faster and cause more trouble 😉 What’s a little fur loss to that end?

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  5. Piglove

    Bless your sweet little heart. The torture it must have been for you. Shaking my head. And to think humans pay for us anipals to get this kind of treatment. I just don’t get it either. But let me tell you something though. You look beautiful! XOXO – Bacon

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  6. rubytheairedale

    Oh.My.Dog. The thingies our peeps do to us??!!!! This scenario usually happens with me, butts I am goin’ to the VET! Peeps are nasty. Anyhu, you look FABulous! And, at least you have a PAWFESSIONAL doin’ it ~ MA grooms me, and I NEVER knows what I’m gonna look like!!! OR, if I will have both ears at the end of it!!!! now THAT’S torture my furiend!
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥
    pees: I hopes you got a cookie, or 87 for that…just sayin’.

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    1. Tails Around the Ranch Post author

      Thanks, Ruby. Mom tries to do me (she gets a lot of practice on Sam so I don’t look too terrible) but I don’t like my face being groomed. I hope I get better at it. Just one of the many things us puppy mill dogs have phobias about. Practice makes pawfect, right? 😝

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  7. Jan K

    After reading this, Luke and Cricket are ever so happy to be short-haired dogs! Their sister Sheba used to get tortured too; but don’t feel so bad, Elsa. Sheba had to spend the whole day at the vet’s office because they allowed her to “air dry” instead of getting that loud machine. It takes a LONG time for a golden retriever to dry!! But she felt so good afterwards, and we bet you did too, though none of you well ever admit it. 🙂

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    1. Tails Around the Ranch Post author

      I did feel better, just freaked out by it all especially the noise. I think there’s still a bit of feral in me that my brother and mom are working on helping me with such as sudden noises and out of the ordinary settings.

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  8. Murphy & Stanley

    We hope your mom paid you off with lots of treats to endure that torture! Me and Stanley get tortured all the time, about every 3 weeks. Butt we get our tortures at home so it isn’t too bad.

    Your Pals,

    Murphy & Stanley

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  9. tippysmom2

    You poor baby! Definitely doggie abuse of the worst kind. How dare your mom ignore those pleading eyes. LOL Seriously, Elsa, your mom does know what is best for you and you look marvelous! You wouldn’t want to get all matted up and then have to have big chunks of your fur cut out. At least you don’t have to endure the torture very often.

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  10. pibblelife

    OMD! I can’t even imagine that kind of torture getting your furs stolen!!! I already can’t stand the bath! I use the same strategy by standing as far away as possible to the corner of the bath tub so my humom can’t wash me but I’m so small that she can just carry me back to the middle of the tub. 😦 If it’s any consolation Elsa, you look FABULOUS! ❤

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  11. Genevieve Petrillo

    Wow, E. what an ordeal. The good news is -no seizure and you look fabulous! I agree your mom is a monster. If she’s smart, she should kiss her reading glasses and favorite socks goodbye. Just saying. You never know what could happen.

    Love and licks,
    Cupcake

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    Reply
    1. Tails Around the Ranch Post author

      Ummm, Cupcake…NOOOOOOOOO!!!! Miss Elsa doesn’t need those kinds of suggestions…thank you very much. Better be careful or I’ll suggest your mom give you a bath. BOL
      Signed,
      Elsa’s mom 🤣

      Thanks, Cupcake. That’s a furbulous idea. I’ll see what’s nose level and start the paybacks soon.
      Your fur-iend,
      Elsa🐾

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  12. Dakota/Caren/Cody

    Elsa I have to tell you, I don’t think that was torture! Look at how beautiful you look!! I am going for the same “torture” this Saturday, but I actually like it. I’m vain like that. Barks and licks and love, Dakota

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  13. Kate Crimmins

    Fortunately cats do their own grooming. When we get carted off it’s for shots which is worse. Don’t like that thingie that sounds like a 747. My peep uses it on her own hair. — Mollie, alpha cat extraordinaire.

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  14. Amy

    Elsa, you are a funny girl. I shed a lot of my furs efurry day so no one ever has to steal them. And I am a very good girl when Mom trims my nails. Baths used to scare me and I would crawl into Mom’s lap in the tub. Last week I had my 5th bath and I am starting to get used to it. The next morning, Dad said my furs glowed in the early morning light. Anyhoo, I hope you are over your traumatic experience and enjoying all the compliments. Your friend, Lucy

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  15. maisiethenewfieandcompany

    Oh Elsa, you look beautiful! We hate the wind machine too, yesterday mom took pity on our 3 sad faces and let us run around the yard while we were still pretty wet. Annie even sneaked a pastry off of the table while she was drying Winn, she’s an expert at distraction and is teaching Winn all of her tricks. Winn got into the recycling and shredded a newspaper while she was drying me. Too bad Sam wasn’t there to distract her, your mom is pretty smart to do you one at a time! Happy Monday 🙂

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